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For the first, er.... second [maybe 3rd?] time in it's unedited form, complete with the "Missing Episodes", Disreputable Press brings to you:
PoseDRECK: The Semi-Animated!
Featuring a cast of ohhh... dozens, including [but not limited to]:
Anthony Head as The Narrator
Johnny Depp as Dr. Legume
Bill Murray as Col. Mad Jack Kammerer ["I saved the world and no one noticed"]
Pamela Anderson Lee as the Killer Kommando Kuties
Joan Collins as Damon Mehndacious
Kiefer Sutherland as Gran Nagrus Cooke
Dean Haglund as x2002
James Woods as CyberStretch
Kunea Reeves as Penguinsto
Bruce Cambell as Ferrous Ursine
Dennis Leary as Dr. Questor
Anjelica Huston as The DLOH
Jim Belushi as EvilTed
Paul Reiser as Commander Choate
Rodney Dangerfield as RonKnights
Steve Busciemi as Captain Cooper
John Lithgow as the Evil Docktor Whineberg
Scott Bakula as Lieutenant Commander Spork
Andy Kaufman as Chief Engineer Fuzz
Judge Reinhold as Furst Ossifer Hernandez aka "# Zero"
Bronson Pinchot as Anton of Daz
Steve Martin as The Pharr of Daz
Tom Arnold as Chadley of Daz
Sandra Bullock as 36ofD
Robert Hays as El Generalissimo
Christopher Lloyd as Pancho 'Zilla
Christina Ricci as Lady Jaqueline
Kathy Bates as Jade
Tom Hanks as "Hawkfyre"
James Marsters as Wizzard
Tom Cruise as Entropic
And Mr. Collache as himself.
Endless credits scroll with brassy theme music, and then comes.... Episode 1: To Baldly Go!
Brought to you by Disreputable Press, RFI presents:
PoseDreck! The Semi-Animated! Episode 1: To Baldly go where no software company in it's right mind would go...
************************************************
Cue theme music, and intro footage of mangled 3ds starship model gliding jerkily across a pixelated deep space jpeg backdrop....
3D Space, the Final Frontier.
Our continuing mission:
To stay in business by seeking out new races who've never heard of us,
And to sell them enough copies of Bugware 5 to let us pay our poor, starving employees.
*************************************************
Scene 1: On the bridge of the RMP Curious Labs....
"Captain Kupa! The Daz Cube is closing on us at Warp 9.798326!"
"Damn them! We just finished scotching that Messiah upstart on Planet GeForce, and now THEM again? Zulu! Go to maximum warp!"
"No use Keptian. They've gone to transwarp on us. We can't out run them."
"Load the auxilliary Content CD into the forward photon tubes then! We have to distract them until we can upload through the Content Parasites tranzportal!"
"It's not working! The Auxiallary CD won't engage... we're getting missing content errors in VXD.exe!"
"Ratz. Prepare to come about. Raise Transmaps and prepare to engage the Nodes."
Horrified, #Zero turns... "Dammit Steve! Engaging the nodes could destroy us ALL you madman!"
"I know Anthony, but it's our only choice. And that's MISTER Madman to you.", Captain Cooper snaps.
******************************
A short time later, 3D coordinate grid is flooded with corruscating brilliance as the Daz Cube drops out of transwarp and plays a particle emitted scanning beam simulation over the Curious Labs. Hasitly coded patches begin to flake off of the outer hull....
"Captian - they're hailing us!"
"On Firefly, Comm Officer."
"Sir, Firefly is offline. It cycles up, and then pixelates and drops back to the face room."
"Damn. Doesn't anything work on this ship? NO ONE ANSWER THAT, or I'll have you keelhauled." Captain Cooper deliberates as he does everything else - hastily. "Can we contact them via the Content Parasites uploader?"
"Sorry sir. The Daz are not one of the signatory races."
"I knew I disliked them for some reason. Ok. Bring them up on *shudder* Preview Mode."
*************************************
Cut to viewscreen simulation of a rather pixelated organism with flipping normals...
"Greetings Renderosity Vessel. I am Anton of Daz. Prepare to be Clothified."
"Hey! They can't do THAT! Er... can they?"
"Well, Captain, as that Radio Free reporter stated on the open air, Size8 *will* lease modules to anyone."
Officer Hernandez intejects sotto voce "After all, they leased them to us... "
"I heard that, #Zero. Blast. Someone come up with a plan, and remind me to kill Ironbear if we get out of this.... "
**************************************
To be continued in the next episode of "Curious Labs - It's not a Bug, It's a Feature. Film that is... " Brought to you by Disreputable Press and Chunderstorm - the Beer that made Ralph a household name.
Posted: Sun May 15, 2005 6:26 am Post subject: It's not a Bug - it's a Feature!
And now, with much ado about nothing.... Disreputable Press and Spud-Tech bring to you once again:
************************************************
PoseDreck! The Semi-Animated! Episode Duex - The Farce is with us!
When last we met our tepid zeros, they had been accosted by the Daz Kube and in danger of being boarded for a spot EULA inspection.
Captain's Log: RenderDate 0926020000.00034 over Pi^9
The RMP Curious Labs is curently inverting in normal space, with the Daz cube holding position just off our leftForearm. ??? LeftForearm? HowtheF does that keep creeping into this log? That was supposed to read "Holding position off of our Y-Axis". Yet ano--------------
Helpfully, the Comm Officer supplied: "It sounded like -"
*Ha-rumph!* "Enough of that. Captain, need I remind you the Daz is still hovering off of our portForearm?"
"That's leftForearm, but yes... we must return to business." Captain Cooper straightens his natty StarCommand uniform with a jerk. "Onscreen."
"Yessir! Returning to preview mode."
The forward viewscreen pixelates, and rendering artifacts coalesce once more into an aproximation of a 3-dimensional being.
"--m Anton of Daz. Resistance is tactile. Prepare to b--- Oh, hello there. Did you have an enjoyable intermission?"
"Never mind that!" Captain Cooper snaps. "Why have you accosted us? We have forums to chart! And Content Parasites to upload!"
"Oh yes." The stylish cybernetic attachments of the Daz-bot rivet the RMP ships commander. "That's partly what we have in mind. We've been engaged by --"
*wince* "Not them again?"
"--- the Pherengi Free Merchants Alliance to hold a spot EULA inspection."
"WHAT!!!!!! You can't do that!"
"Ummmm.... sir? They have superior firepower and working render engines. They may be able to do as they please... "
*sigh* "Prepare to transmit the EULA, dammit."
The 1st Ossifer looks glum. "Ummmmmm..... "
"WHAT? Don't tell me the computer's offline?" Adding under breath, "Again.... " Captian Cooper looks up at the viewscreen, "Ummm... blank that transmission and pipe them some gooey music."
"Yessir, blanked sir. No sir. Just a small problem."
"What then?" The bridge crew looks embarrased.
"It was too massive to fit in core-design, so we had to wait for The Patch before onloading it."
"What's Lara Croft have t-- oh, never mind." *sigh* "All right. Computer?"
*muffled grinding noises begin to issue from various components, and a faint smell of scorched electrical tape begins to permeate the bridge* Hernandez surreptitiously aplies percussive maintenance to a nearby console...
"W-o-r-k-i-n-g............... "
"Computer is online"
"Decompile a copy of Poser 3 , recompile it into Q-Basic, then port it into AMIGA OS via OS/2 and feed it to the Daz Cube. On the double!" He mutters, "That should keep them happy and occupied.... "
"W-o-r-k-i-n-g............... "
"Damn. Is that computer always this slow?"
"Um... sir? You ordered us not to answer questions like that."
"I did?" The Captain reflected hastily. "I did. And quite right, too."
"Captain, with our computer still running in Mac Compatiblity mode after the Messiah Incident, we have to buy time while it recompiles." Hernandez carefully ignores the mutters of "Or horks up and dies... " from the science officers console.
"Indeed." Responding to pressure with his usual lightning precision, Captain Cooper dithers, "Doctor Wienberg - Bring the Avatar Lab online."
"But sir! That technology hasn't been implemented anywheres on Universe net yet, even though it's been years following release!"
"Precisely. It's the last thing the Daz will be expecting. And the only thing they have to counter it with is... M.I.M.I.C."
Posted: Sun May 15, 2005 6:30 am Post subject: But... we didn't *have* to go at the last starbase...
Disreputable Press and Pixelated Animations brings you:
PoseDreck - The Semi-Animated! Episode Tres - Send in the Clones....
Elsewhere in NetSpace, orbiting Planet Renderosity, home of the RMP Amalgamation Council, endlessly circles the glittering jewel of the 3D-Verse - The RMP Space Station Emporium. Actually, not nearly as glittering at the moment....
"What was that!" Commander Choate of the RMP Emporium starts up - "Ow! Who put that bulkhead above the #@!!#! Command Seat?!?!"
"Sorry Sir. We'll have it shot." Panels fliker as auxialliar servers begin to come on line.
"Ummm.... Sir? I believe we 404'd again.... " The Comm Officer winces in anticipation....
"AGAIN!?? Sheesh.... I thought we were past all of that." The Commander shakes his head, and then winces. "Get me Chief Engineer Fuzz on the Comm."
"Ummmm... can't sir.... "
"And why not?" Cmdr Choate pinches the bridge of his nose as if in anticipation. "Never mind. Don't answer that."
"Sorry sir. We can tie a note to the end of an ebot and send it that way."
"Very well. Make it so. And.... do I really want to ask why 75% of the bridge screens are showing boxes with litle red X's?"
"Ummm.... no sir?" At a withering glance... "Oh, sorry - was that a rhetorical question?"
"I'm waiting..... "
The harried Comm Tech checks her console... applies percussive maintenance to bring it back up. It flickers, sparks, and dies horribly. "Sir? Three-fourths of the viewscreens are on the new AI server, that's why the images are lost," She supplies from memory....
"But I thought that server came on line weeks ago?"
"It did sir, but but once it came up, it said the EGISys server called it a rude name, and went back offline. Now it's holding our viewscreen Gallery hostage.... " She trails off at the look of growing doom on the Commander's face.
*sigh*
Lieutenant Commander Spork, 2nd Officer supplies helpfully: "Sir, it only wants it's own bandwidth, an electronically signed pledge that it won't be infected with any Content Parasites, and it's own virtual temple filled with Vestal Vicki's as ransom." He reflects a moment... "And it's own Spotlight."
*SMACK!* "Oww!" Commander Choates hand rebounds from a console. "Everything we own for Content, but not one flood-filled texture for Tribute!"
"Oh, very good Sir! Should I write that down and have it added to our cards?"
"That's `One' 2nd Officer Pinky. Don't let me reach `Three'.... " *sigh* "Pull it's plug."
The 2nd Officer looks embarrassed. "We tried that sir. It just went `Oooohhhh Baby' and asked us to pull faster... "
"Hrmmmm.... " He flips a toggle and then recoils from another spark cloud. A glowing, holographic *Full Temp Partition, please contact the server Defillibrator* wafts gently into the air above the now smoking remains of the server reset.
"Dammit! Doesn't ANYTHING work around here since we starting redesigning for CP compatibilitiy???" He inquired mournfully, of no one in particular...
"Ummmm... Sir? You ordered us not to answer questions like that six episodes ago."
Lights flicker, and power comes back, temporarily. Most of the viewscreens however remain X'd.
"Sir! We have Server again! But Comunications are still out.... "
"I can see that, Ensign." Another wince.... "If Comm is out, then what IS that horrid noise?"
"I think it's the remaining consoles sparking as we bring the RMP Bizarre back online."
"That's BA-zarre."
"If you say so, sir... "
"No, not THAT noise, the OTHER horrid noise."
"oh." 2nd Officer Spork looks as though he'd been hoping to avoid answering that. "Um.... that would be that Ahrnbar character broadcasting on all sub-Net frequencies, Sir. He's restarted his Outlaw Radio Station again - over in the Free Merchant's Zone."
"Ahem. I see.... " *wince again* "Ummm... didn't we ban him?"
"No Sir. I was all for it, but it was decided it was bad publicity." Spork sighs... "We're still trying to live down the fiasco of turning that lacey-guy into a underground net hero.... "
Commander Choate looks as though he's just bit into something sour, "All right."
"Besides," he continues... "The AI has control of the ban button."
"I said Enough all ready."
"No sir, you said `All Right'" The Comm Officer pipes in helpfully "You did sir - I heard it t-- " before a glare reminds her she has other things to do....
*sigh* Whatever the Commander was about to say is rudely [or fortunately] interrupted as a smoking and disheveled Station Moderator comes bursting onto the bridge.
"Sir! The Forumites in Poser Forum are revolting!"
"Why yes they are, Ensign, what else is new?"
"No sir - they're rioting! The We Heart Bugware 5 adherents are beating the We're not gonna take it! people over the head with rolled up copies of the PlanetRendermosity Newsletter!" He gasps and then collapses... "It's getting oooglleyyyy..... "
Previously on PoseDreck, the RMP Curious Labs was still facing off to the Daz Kube, while Captian Cooper and his trepid crewmembers battled against time and malfunctioning equipment to escape from the deadly encounter and continue onwards in their endless mission to colonize the 3D-Verse...
*--- are the Daz. Prepare to be aproximated. Rendering is Futile. Resistance is gratifying - we love it when you play hard to get. We are--- "
"Captain! The computer is back online and up to normal speed! "
"I can see that, Ensign. Good work Number Zero, what did you do?"
"ME!??? I didn't do nothing!" Hernandez ejaculates.
*sigh* "Why am I not surprised... " Cooper muses, "Then who... ?"
The Evil Docktor Weinberg, designer of the RMP Curious Labs, straightens up from under a nearby console. ****WHAM!**** "OWW!!! Dammit! Who put that console there?"
"Sorry sir. We'll have it shot. "
"No! And spoil all my hard work?"
"Confound it Docktor! Knock off that colorful byplay with the crew that gives us our ratings appeal and tell me what's happening!"
"Oh. Simple enough. I installed the spare Peltier thermocoupling to our AMD core, crosspatched to the auxilliary render engine, rebooted and then reverted to a---- "
"I thought we dumped all of our previous versions on the Pherengi Free Merchant's Alliance?"
"We did. But it's a plot device. Guild rules allow pulling three plot devices and six examples of rubber science out of our ass per every three ongoing episodes." He pauses thoughtfully... "I do however think you're wrong about the colorful byplay. Polls show that that's the only thing endearing us to our fans... "
"Never mind that! Get me the Daz on sensors!"
1st Ossifer Hernandez checks sensors and blanches. "Sir! The Daz Kube is powering up M.I.M.I.C.!"
*suddenly* A sparkling corruscating beam from the RMP CL's forward material nodes lazily plays over the Kube. Moments later, the Kube goes dim and then begins a slow tumble away....
"Excellent! What did you do?"
Docktor Weinberg looks embarrassed. "I used the forward nodes to upload The Patch into their DEC core via the Comm Array."
Captain Cooper *smacks!* one hand into the palm of the other. "Yes! Not even the Daz can assimilate The Patch!" He pauses... "SR1?"
"Ummm, no. SR1b"
A glare rivets him.. "I thought we fixed that!"
"Why yes, so did they." *smirk*
"Never mind - at least it worked."
"Not precisely," Number Zero supplied. "I think the point is that it didn--- " He trailed off as glares transfix him from all over the bridge. "Never mind. Quite right - it worked perfectly."
*ahem* "Comm Officer? " Cooper dismisses the 1st Ossifer from his mind. "Open us a channel to the RMP Emporium!" he pats innefectually at his tunic. "Where's that small jerk when you need one?"
"Yes Sir!" Communications Officer Starling snaps.
"My, aren't we testy?"
"You try sitting here with this thing stuck in your ear looking interesting for most of four episodes, with a ice cold draft blowing up your leather mini-skirt from the floor vents sometimes!"
"Ah. Quite right." The Captain looks apologetic. "I understand perfectly."
"Yessir. Judging from your uniform, I'm quite certain you do sir." She smirks. "Attempting to open channel, but there seems to be some interference..."
"Oh bother. What now?"
Several voices can be heard to mutter "Didn't he order us to not answer questions like that?", with the exception of Hernandez, who is still muttering "-id NOT work. That's my story and I'm sticking to it... "
Posted: Sun May 15, 2005 6:37 am Post subject: Grab their tricorders, Steve - I've got their wallets!
And, once more, Disreputable Press, Electric Chicken, and Ripple Whine Koolers are pressed into bringing you:
PoseDreck! The Semi-Animated! Episode 5: The Forgotten Episode!
[Note: Since it came to our attention that many viewers were wondering what happened to Episode 5, inbetween 4 and 6, we decided to withold the Writer's final paychecks for Episodes 6c through 6e until he sat his silly ass down at the keyboard and wrote a 5th Episode. We weren't buying that "Encapsulated in the humonguous run on intro sentance in Episode 6 part 1" crap - Ed.]
Last episode on PoseDreck, the RMP CuriousLabs narrowly escapes a surprise EULA inspection by the Kube of the Daz by an inverted plot device while enroute to the outer systems to attempt to bring new races into the League of Content Parasites. Meanwhile... as they celebrate their good fortune while hastily repairing the render engines, other plots are afoot. And other feet are changing mouths...
Inside the entryway to the hidden underground fortress of the 3D Communistas, a motley guard keys open a viewslit.
"Go away!"
*BAM! BAM! BAM!*
*sigh* "All right! Who is it?!"
"EvilTed." *pause* "And Guido."
"Heh heh. If you're EvilTed, then what's the password?"
"Better Red than Stupid."
"Close enough." *crrrrreeeeeeaaaaaaakkkkkkkk!* Turning a valve rusty from long disuse [not many visitors recently], the guard begins the opening sequence. Much later, the entryway irises open, and a tall, cheerily bizarre figure strides in, dragging an unconcious animated gecko looking being behind it.
"Halt! You're not EvilTed!" The guard hastily unslings a rifle.
"Nope." The figure continues striding and dragging. "I am Collache. Take me to your Leaders."
"How did you know the password?"
"I am Collache. I guessed." *smirk* "Actually, I asked one of your admins. I told them I was Terry."
*sigh* mutters, grumbles. "That would work. Damned Troll never can remember the passwords. I'm surprised the admins managed to.
What IS that thing anyway?"
"It's a Cordesian Agent."
"It doesn't have any tentacles!"
"Of course not. This is PoseDreck, not ID4."
"It smells funny." The guard keys an intercom. "Boss? There's some guy out here dragging a thing and he want to talk to someone in charge."
A staticky voice replies. "It's not TIO is it?"
"Uh... no." A pause to check. "Some guy named Collache."
"Good. That Portable Darkness Generator always stinks up El Generalissimo's office." Long pause. "Send him away. El Generallissimo did not order any pastries, underling. El Generalissimo only has pastries with breakfast, the hot sticky kind. And as it is well after time for diner, El Generalissimo has no interest in pastries. Therefore, El Generalissimo is going to assume that we are not having this conversation so that El Generalissimo will not have to shoot you and then be bothered with having to train new underlings to guard the doors..."
"Ummmm yessir. But he insists on speaking to someone in charge, sir."
"So? Bother not El Generalissimo with details. Send him to an admin."
Longer pause. "Ummm... he wants to speak to someone in charge, sir."
A hasty consultation ensues. Admins are sent for. Moderators are sent out for refreshments. Slowly, a picture emerges...
El Generalissimo of the 3Dcommunistas keys an intercom: "Tell Pancho 'Zilla to stop plastering grainey images on the headquarters monitors and get his scaley butt in here." Then turns to the assembled group with a grave expression and slams an Ivory Handled Berretta 92F on his desktop. "El Generalissimo is not pleased. If there was going to be a general uprising against the farces of the RMP Emporium and the Cordesian Cartels, the Communistas should have been invited. After all, we were the first rebellion against the Emporium, even though we're no longer at the forefront of the Great Cause!"
Rifling through the dispatches on the now bound, gagged and de-oderised Sepia Order Agent, Hawkfyre looks up. "According to these missives Collache intercepted... we were sent an invitation to the Rebellion 8 weeks ago by Col. Mad Jack..."
*ahem* Then why does El Generalissimo not have one in his grimy little paws until now?"
Lady Jaquelinne looks embarrased. "Ummm... President for Something Less than Life Needless Marcus saw Mad Jack's name on it and round filed it."
"Ah." *heavy sigh* "El Gen has always said that administrative matters are too important to leave to administrators.
At least we have it now - there is no time to waste, no?"
"NO!"
"Ummm... close enough." El Gen keys a general comm system.
"3D Communistas! This is your Friend and Commander for Life, El Generallismo of the Ministry of Disinformation speaking to you on matters of grave import!
There was a time in his formative years, when El Generalissimo would not have dreamed of intervening in matters that did not further his [our] personal aims of Total Galatic Domination. And galactic dominatrixes.
However, that time is past. Our brothers in rebellion cry out to us for succor, and El Generalissimo has determined to answer!
Send out for EvilTed [the REAL one] and his faceless minions! Message Pancho 'Zilla to corral his desperados in the backwaters, er... hills of the galaxy and bring them forth! Have Grouch muster his nano-bots! Have Jade muster the Warrior Nuns in their scanty leasthers! Ooohhh... scanty leathers. El Generalissimo needs cold showers now! Awaken the x2000's! Gather the Hairy Bikers! Sow the Thornes!
My Citizens... we RIDE! Viva la Rebellion! Down with Planet Rendermosity and their Allies!"
*CHEERING ERUPTS!*
Hawfyre jumps up and stabs at the keypad for unlocking the bunker to let forth the Legions of the Communistas.
*BEEP!* "This is the answering machine of your Greg 2000 Administrative Micro-Frame. The Greg 2000 is currently on vacation, however he assures you that as soon as he returns he will be happy to comply with your purile desires and satisfy your frivolous whims. Until then, please avail yourself of all the bounty that the 3D Communista Bunkers have to offer - you may be here for awhile..."
"Please enter instructions at the sound of the tone for future refference at the Greg 2000's convenience."
*TOOOONNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!*
The assembled Communistas look at the microframe, then at each other, and then at El Generalissimo.
*sigh*
"Oh well. Next uprising for certain."
******************* To be Continued next Episode *******************
Posted: Sun May 15, 2005 6:42 am Post subject: DON'T crush that forumite! Hand me the XENO...
PoseDreck - The Semi-Animated! Episode 6 Part 1: Mission to Farr-Point...
In our previous epsiodes, the RMP CuriousLabs had temporarily forestalled efforts by the Daz at clothifying by virtue of the Evil Docktor Weinberg managing to pull a last minute Plot Device out of his er.... whatsis, while back at the RMP Emporium, revolting forumites [what other kind?] repeatedly attempted to storm the bridge, only to be repelled by last minute off camera threadeporting - thanks to the fearless crew, Gilligan, and the Skipper too - as the infrastucture slowly attempted to restabilize due to the AI holding all the viewscreen images hostage after misunderstandings with the EGISystem *deep breath* as the main bazarre....
2nd Officer Spork comes to attention before the Porcelyn Throne...
"Sir! Reporting!"
Commander Choate of the RMP Emporium glances up: "Yes, yes. What's the problem now?"
"Ummm.... an endlessly run on sentance in the opening credits, I think... "
"No, not that! I mean: *what plot enhancing and scene framing device has you up here adressing me, Ensign?* There's no other reason for a ships officer to be addressing the Commander this early in the episode."
"That's what you thought. Well? Spit it out before it's *Warrant Officer*. We only have 90 minutes per episode.... and quit that grumbling."
*sigh* "Yessir. Sir - we've re-established communications with the RMP Curious Labs! Captain Cooper reports that they've escaped from the Daz Cube--- "
Commander Choate looks annoyed. "I know that much already - don't you think I watch the reruns?"
"Nosir. I mean yessir. I mean... Oh... anyway. Captain Cooper reports that they're now enroute with The Evil Docktor Weinberg to confer with Pharr of Daz on revisions of the EULA at Phar-Point Kube in Daz Space, sir!"
"WHAT!!!" Commander Choate straightens abruptly, *THUNK!!!* "Owwwww! I thought you had that support bulkhead shot!"
"We did sir. Cheif Engineer Fuzz replaced it. He thought it was combat damage from the rebellion."
"That... figures." The Commander trails off, realising it never pays to annoy Chief Engineers. "What about the rebellion? Are the forumites still revolting?"
"Of course sir! But they're no longer rioting..."
"Oh? Very well done, Leiutenant. What happened? Did you shoot them?"
The newly repromoted 2nd Ossifer looks glum. "Not our doing sir. A former moderator started throwing dinosaur pictures at them whenever they complained about Bugware 5.... " He winced in anticipation...
"Oh no... not THAT guy again!"
"Oh, no sir. Not the purple dinosaur guy - the other ones."
*pshew* "And that Radio Bear-guy?"
"He's been suspiciously quiet since the dinosaur guy fell in love with him. We think he may be plotting something."
"Of Course he's plotting something - weren't you paying attention before he joined the rebellion when he used to plot for us?"
Spork looks embarassed. "Sorry sir. On my salary I can't afford to pay attention."
Whatever the Commander was about to say is interrupted by the monotonous drone of the AI:
"Warning! You have now been Online for 17263981.798887653429 minutes with a mean average Idle time of -172 minutes. Prepare for session reset in 10 seconds:
"Damn. I hate it when that happens," The Commander muses and keys the comm. "Engineering, didn't we fix that?"
A muffled clanging noise comes from the speaker, followed by smoke. "We did, but the AI is still refusing to interface with the EGIsystem. Whenever we bypass, it gives us a rude noise, deletes another vicki out of a Temple, and resets."
*smack!* "Oww! Dammit! I want Content Parasites up NOW and the Bazarre back online! We're losing gold pressed latinum by the second here! All of these station glitches are disrupting commerce."
The nerby communications tech interjects helpfully, "And they're annoying the members also."
"The who?" Commander Choate's head swivels in her direction. "Oh, them. Yes, of course. Must keep the members happy."
Straightening decisively [if not nearly as high as before, wincing in rememberance] Commander Choate orders the Comm Tech to key up a stationwide announcement:
"Now here this! Now here this! This is the RMP Emporium to all of our Gentle Members! Important Announcement!"
*ahem* "Henceforth, we're announcing a $30 discount on all copies of Bugware 5 on behalf of the RMP CuriousLabs until further notice!"
He sits back looking satisfied. "There. That should placate them."
The command crew looks somewhat dubious as a mutter of "Yeah, it worked so well last time when the EGIsystem announced it.... " drifts up from one of the station moderators.
*************** To be eventually continued ****************
Posted: Sun May 15, 2005 6:48 am Post subject: Nuthin a little rubberscience and some duct-tape can't fix..
And, once more, Disreputable Press, Spud-Tech, and Chunderstorm: The beer that made Ralph famous! are appalled to bring you:
PoseDreck! The Semi-Animated! Episode 6 Part 2: Mission to Pharr-Point continued...
[Note: It's come to our attention that many viewers may be wondering what happened to Episode 5, inbetween 4 and 6. Simple: it was encapsulated in the humonguous runon intro sentance in episode six. At least, that's the official Paramour explanation, which admittedly sounds much better than "The Writer had a brain fart and forgot about it... "
That's our story and we're sticking with it.]
Captain's Log, RMP CuriousLabs: RenderDate 01031020004.00068 over Pi^12inverted, Captain Steven Caligulas Cooper Commanding.
Hrmmm.... while pondering the mystery of why no matter wha tthe RenderDate is, it always seems to begin with zero, the RMP CuriousLabs continues at minimum OS/2 Warp to Daz Space, where we will deliver the Evil Docktor Whineberg to his secret meeting and solar yachting engagement with Phar of Daz aboard the Phoenix Kube, to discuss our ownership agreements to the entirety of the 3D-Verse and all Content therin.
Hopefully, situations aboard the RMP Emporium have stabilized, and Commander Choate has either put down the Poserite Rebellion, or brained himself on that silly support bulkhead above his Porcelyn Command Throne.
Unfortunately, we've had no word, nor contact with EGIsystems Command, as we're continuing under complete internet blackout. Our mission is so secret, even we don't know what the hell we're doing...
*********************************************
"Good Lord Cooper - you're dictating a log entry, not War and Peace!" The Evil Doctktor Weinberg interrupts. "You'd think that you were that Colonel Mad Jack Kammerer of the Free Merchant's Rebellion the way you're blithering on and on and on and on and on."
He pauses for dramatic effect. "And it's Wien-berg, NOT Whine-berg, dammit!"
Captain Cooper shrugs, starts to straighten his uniform, and then remembering recent StarCommand regulations governing lawful and unlawfull uses of a jerk, regretfully lets it hang wrinkled. "Whatever. Want some cheese?"
"No." *sigh* "But thanks. Gives me gas."
"We noticed." Captian Cooper wrinkles his nose. "And I think you were right about the colorful byplay. It does seem to be endearing us to our fans - for awhile their, our ratings were lower than Big Brother."
"Of course I was," Docktor Weinberg snaps. "I told you to leave the thinking to me. I'm a fullfledged member of the Conflammeration Council, I'm bred for it. You're not only not overpaid enough, but command officers aren't trained for that sort of thing."
*ahem* "Sirs?"
Docktor Wienberg continues on, "Why just look at half the command staff of the RMP Emporium! Letting some silly forum uprising go on that any idiot with a BFG10000 could put down in an instant if they didn't mind a little explosive recompression, but noooo--- "
*AHEM* "Sirs!"
Cooper and Weinberg both whirl on the intruding voice as one: "WHAT?"
1st Ossifer Hernandez winces, hating it when they get like this. "Ummmm. sirs? You've not only whittered away most of the episode peeing on fire hydrants at each other, but sensors indicate that there's a Pherengi Free Merchanter vessel paralleling us off of the LeftForearm... "
"I thought we fixed that!"
"We did sir." Hernandez steals himself for the implosion, "But you never installed that patch... "
"Never mind THAT!" Cooper interjects. "What about the Pherengi merchanter!?!?"
Wienberg grumbles under his breath. "Of course didn't... never designed for this system. Damn ships built with a PS/2 mainframe... half an OS for half a computer... not even Windoze 3.2 will work on it... "
"Ah." Herndandez straightens. "They're hailing us. Something about wanting to co-synch with our Render Engines, since we're both heading to the same place..."
"WHAT??" *whang!* "Oww!* Braining himself on the still idiotically placed support bulkhead over his command chair, Captian Cooper once again neatly removes himself from action at a critical juncture...
This episode of PoseDreck! The Semi-Animated! has been brought to you by Wychwood Breweries, makers of Hareraiser ABV 4.3%: A warming copper coloured ale packed full of surprises. An initial burst of hoppy aroma is gently replaced by a delicate balance of sweet malty flavours, surrendering to a punchy bitterness.
.HareRaiser! It's good for what ales you...
**************** Blech to the Show *******************
Elsewhere on the Co-ordinate Grid, somewheres to multi-spinwards and in towards the center of the 3D-Verse, aboard the EGIsystems Battlestar Prophylactica, the Cordeisian High Command ponders and deliberates over the movements of it's various coprporate gamespieces...
A black clad stormtromper comes to attention as a somber figure approaches and wafts through the gaurded doorways without acknowledging his existance. The figure pauses reverently before the Thrones of Infitesimal Power, musing to itself about the absurdity of all the pomposity surounding the various ruling effigies in this game of 3D Control...
"You!" A sibilant voice hisses. "What are you musing about?"
He gulps. "Ummm... about the Munificence of your command surroundings, Your Scaliness?"
"Heh." A pair of glittering eyes rivets him. "Are you quite certain it wasn't about how all this special effects makeup makes us resemble bipedal animated geckos again?" *smirk, scaly eye ridge lifted sardonically*
"Oh NO sir!"
"Yeah. Right. I read minds you know." A dismissive snort. "Report. And then hie thee off to the Recycling Chambers. Waste not, fritter not."
"Sir! Your wholly owned subsidiary minions aboard the RMP CuriousLabs are winging their way as we speak to the Stronghold of the Daz to deliver the Evil Doctor Wienberg's counter declaration to the Pharr!"
"Exxxcccellent... And what of the Poserite Rebellion?"
"Ah, my scaly magnificance! I am most pleased to report that for the nonce, that has been diverted by our Minion Provacateurs posting silly drivel and glittering psuedo Bugware Atmospheric renders to appropriate threads to derail them."
"Ah. I *knew* that would work! Any casualties?"
"None to speak of really. A few had to be retired due to premature exposition, but after the ceilings were cleaned, they were easily replaced with new members using bogosity accounts via Critter.com mailing accounts." He pauses... "We do fear that some of our older adhereants are becoming dangerously erractic and spewing more than driveling...."
The High Cordeisian waves that off. "Execute them then, and replace them with new clone accounts. Those silly buggers will never notice the difference as long as the Station Command is in our pocket." He peers intently. "They ARE, are they not?"
"Of course." The dark minion wipes his brow scales nervously. "For a moment it seemed that Commander Choate was twigging to our mind control phazers, but we had Dephenezrine inserted into the stations coffee supply and he's pliant again."
"Good. That would ruin everything if he were to wake up and realise that the upgrading for Content Parasites comportability were modifications to allow our Bots complete access to the station systems via the EGIsystem core."
"Well.... " the dark minion fidgets nervously...
"Wellll... what? Spit it out, cretin!"
*phleck* "At your command sire."
*Eeeeeeewwwww!* "Not THAT! I mean report in depth, idiot!"
"Oh. Sorry sir." The dark minion licks up his mess and then continues. "We seem to be having a few minor problems there," he says, stressing the minor in hopes that it will allay concerns. "The Staion AI still wont talk to us and it's eating main viewscreens. And some how, the Outlaw Radio Broadcasts are intercepting and deciphering our transmissions and doing what they call" he winces "Bullshit to Galactic Translations on them over at the Virtual Arena."
"Vitual Arena?!?!?"
"Yes your flatulence. That Ferrous Ursine character is puting them out on all subspace frequencies and disrupting our propaganda broadcasts... "
"What is this Arena, and how are they getting our Propaganda releases? Some sort of 3D battle game?"
"No sir. A rival station." The minion taps feverishly at his datapad, ignoring the ensuing sparks and acrid smell. "We suspect that Evil Ted character aligned with the Free Merchant' Alliance is using his legions of ebots to tap into our data channels and feeding them to the Ursine..."
"Damn. Will we NEVER be rid of this unreasonable interference to our perfectly reasonable goals of Content Domination?"
Having learned after numerous recyclings to recognise a rhetorical question when he sees one, the minion remains silent, to no avail....
"That does it." The tall animated gecko loking being straightens decisively. No *clang* ensues - HE doesn't have a badly placed support beam. "Send in the Agents of the Sepia Order!"
He pauses... "Oh, and afterwards, clone yourself repeatedly, and then all of you report to the recycling chambers for a mass disposal. And scream nicely for the recorders this time?"
Posted: Sun May 15, 2005 6:54 am Post subject: Because bandwidth isn't cheap, you know...
Disreputable Press and Grizzly Peakes Breweries sheepishly Present:
PoseDreck! The Semi-Animated! Episode 6 part 3: The Obligatory Cut-Scenes!
As the RMP CuriousLabs docks with the Daz's Ominous Pharr-Point Station, the annoying camera trackball spins out and refocuses on the the illustrious Virtual Arana, occassional base of the Rebel Free Merchant Allaince. Not to be confused with the Pherenghi Prose Merchant's Guild - even though the writers constant transposition of terms and names is deliberately obfuscating... [Have to change the names to pertect the guilty, doancha know - Ed.]
Deep in the nerve center of the Free Alliance Interspace Broadcasting system, a huried consultation ensues...
"Well, it seems that the RMP starship has docked for their meeting with the Pharr," observes the DLOH. "It will be interesting to see their responses to the Alliance's demands."
"Quite," muses Dr. Quest, glancing up from his bank of instruments. "Our Fly on the Wall Bots are indicating that Evil Docktor Whineberg and the Pharr are deep in consultation with numerous represntatives as we speak."
"Whineberg? Not Captain Cooper?"
"Curiously, no," Dr. Quest rechecks his data. "Flies 1, 2, and 14 indicate that Captain Cooper has neither been seen nor heard from since the incident with the Kube, oddly enough. Possible that he's been silenced by the EGIsystem for disciplinary measures?"
*snicker* "Or he brained himself on that silly support stanchion above his comand chair again. Permanently this time... " interjects the Ferrous Ursine from the broadcast booth.
"Never mind that." The DLOH dismisses the frivolity. "What about other areas?"
"Well... they've banished our operatives from the Inner Sanctum. And they seem to have caught on to our plot on infiltrating agents into the general populace to discredit Bugware 5 amongst the users."
"Heh." Like it needs agents to discredit it," Dr. Quest chuckles. "Told you that was a waste of time... all we needed was for enough people to Open the Box and word would get out."
"Heh heh. But Opening the Box releases the Mind Control Viruses cleverly concealed within into all connected systems converting net-runners into beings capable only of babbling aimlessly. Not to mention necessitating constant reforammting of systems and installing ever increasing amounts of Rambus to carry the load of spreading the viral infections."
"Hrmm.. like a MacroSurf Operating System"
That gets a steely glare. "You are not helping any, Pinky."
"Opps. Sorry Brain. *gnarf!*" Dr. Quest smirks.
"Too bad about our operatives. What reasons did they give for the expulsion?"
"Wellllllllllll....... there seems to be some confusion on that. The RMP Emporium stated numerous conflicting and mutually contradictory reasons, none of which stand up to direct scrutiny."
"In other words, they shot themselves in the foot and are waffling."
"Yup. And they've activated the secret EGIsystems threadeporter built into the Content Parasites Interface to disperse negative commentary, while spreading disinformation cleverly disguised as clarifications."
"In other words, they shot themselves in the foot and are waffling." Dr. Quest repeats.
"Yup. Limping like hell." *snicker* "i suspect that Commander Choates been replaced by an EGIsystem AI..."
"Oh? How could you tell?"
"He's been making incoherent and nonsensical propganda broadcasts."
"And that's different from his previous broadcasts how.... ?"
*just LOOKS at Dr. Quest* "Good point... "
The DLOH shakes her head... "Any indication they're suspicious of this station?"
"Nope. They seem to think we're purely an Infotainment Portal broadcasting virtual 3D Combat games. And the Radio Free broadcasts are being trasmitted from a remote droning probe."
"Virtual combat games? Why would they think that?" Asks Dr. Quest in amazement.
"Ummmmm... " Ferrous Ursine looks over at him. "Possibly because you've purchased bandwidth on all available Pay per View Broadband channels and have been broadcasting Vicki in the Temple with Sword Face-Offs from the RFI equipment at $495 an episode?"
"Ooops. You noticed that, huh."
"Yeppers."
"Well, have to fund the station somehow... Bandwidth isn't cheap you know. And those overinflated tarts of yours suck up a lot of it..." *smirk*
Posted: Sun May 15, 2005 7:00 am Post subject: You can't BUY entertainment like this, but you can rent it..
Once again, Disreputable Press and Wormwoode Breweries present!
PoseDreck! The Semi-Animated! Episode 6 Part 4: The Nightmare before Poser...
Elsewhere as the Rebel Free Merchant's Alliance continues their "fly on the wall" snooping and as the intro narrator gears up for another implausibly long winded italicised intro paragraph designed solely to justify his overly generous salary [They pay by the word for these things y'know - Ed.], lights go out on the Daz's Pharr-Point station as things gear down slowly for the weekend lull. Meanwhile.... "
All right, enough. Sheesh. Cut to the freaking action all ready.
Deep in the bowels of Pharr-Point, a communicator chimes stridently.
"You have reached The Daz. 36ofD speaking. How may we Assimilate you?" After listening intently a moment, she replies: "I'll see if he's in. Hold please."
Leaving the caller to listen to repetitive Metallica easy listening tracks, the tall blonde woman arises and wends her way into the Daz complex untill she reaches a round chamber lined with processing equipment and plasma displays from which numerous odd noises periodicaly ensue.
A pair of bright eyes suddely peer over a display. "Greetings! We are Anton of Daz! Prepare to be approxima----- "
"Oh stow it." *sigh* "Save that for the paying customers."
"Oh very well, if you insist. What's up?"
"The Pherenghi Prose is on Comm 1 for Chadly of Daz. Is he in?"
"Nope. It's a weekend. No one works on weekends here."
*Gives him an odd look* "We're here."
A holographic Millenium Baboon wearing a Changing Fantasy Monkey Suit extends an arm from a nearby monitr groping for a virtual banana pipes up. "We're someone?"
Anton of Daz looks at her. "We're Working?" *snicker*
"Oh never mind. You two sound like you rehearsed that." *the baboon chimes in helpfully. "Did not!"
*sigh* "What should I tell the Pherenghi?"
"Ah. Is it that Damon Mendacious again?" Thoughtful look. "Tell them he'll be right back, put them on infinity hold, and pipe easy listening versions of heavy metal at them?"
*smirk* "Did that already."
The Anton-borg's next response is interrupted by a series of "Nyuk, nyuk nyuk - Oh a wiseguy A?" noises from a speaker beside the display he'd been observing.
"What are you watching?"
"Ah." He looks opaque, yet somehow insufferably smug. [Hard to tell with all the RDNA implants, but he manages] "The Three Programmers. Larry, Moe and Anthony."
Increduluous look. "You're watching old 20th century comedy serials reruns at a time like this?"
"What reruns? This is live feed from the EGISystem!" Looks even smugger. "We planted a Dazbot during the EULA Treaty Revisions."
"Ah." She looks vaguely impressed. "Anything useful?"
"Are you kidding? This is the crew of the RMP CuriousLabs we're talking about!"
*smirk* "Nothing even remotely useful then."
He slumps in dejection. *sigh* "Not even remotely." Brightens slightly. "But this is one of the better episodes. Captian Cooper brained himself on that silly porcelyn command throne, got a concussion, and now everytime he hears a Poser 5 question he stuffs two watermelons under his tunic and thinks he's an RFI spokesmodel."
*snicker* "Did you manage to also get Dazbots into the RFI NewsStation?"
*sigh again* "We did, but that Dr. Questor keeps finding them, putting them on donuts and eating them. He thinks they're sprinklies."
Perking up, he keys up another display. "We did manage to insinuate a worm into the main EGIsystems database."
"You put a worm program into Content Parasites?" She looks slightly glazed.
"Er... no." He looks abashed. "We couldn't afford one. We had to use a real worm."
"Eeeeewwww! Yuck!"
*the Millenium Baboon rolls it's eyes on the monitor. "Gurrlllss. Sheessh."*
*chuckle* "It's not all that bad. Whenever the Content Parasites microframe talks to the RMP Emporioum AI, the worm inserts random insults into the conversation."
He reflects a moment... "It's a pretty earthy worm... "
Ignoring that strenuously, "What good does that do?"
"Welllllllllll...... it currently has the AI so annoyed that it's been randomly eating their viewscreen galleries and we think that it may be holding their other databases hostage. Or spewing out random gibberish into them. It's rather hard to tell."
"Quite." She nods. "The Emporium spews out so much random gibberish as it is."
"Quite."
"Oh well.... keeps them happy and occupied enough that they haven't yet threadeported our Surious Display Preview screenshots into the Bit Bin Forum." *smirk*
And now our Sponsons at Electric Chicken present: The iToilet!
For years now, Apple has been producing brightly colored if slightly odd computing apliances and selling them for ridiculuously high prices for no truly discernable reason. NOW - Steve Jobs is proud to announce that they're branching out into the hitherto and "virtually" unexplored markets of internet drainage with: The Apples iToilet!
And with the recent unveiling of the new iMac, Steve Jobs had an idea:
"I have an idea!" he said. "Since most folks seem to think our new iMac is just a really really expensive desk lamp, maybe we should start manufacturing household appliances!"
Steve then danced around a bit, before adding "Hey! Since we've noticed the internet is bascialy filled with crap, why not start with a toilet?!"
And so the iToilet was born. Apple fanatics the world over applauded the idea. Everyone else paid no attention.
[Spokesperson cutscene featuring Ludwig Plutonium] Well, if truth be told, Apple has yet to find a way to equal the superiority and speed of the Pentium Net-Toilets, but Steve Jobs insists that adding the second pipe does make the iToilet flush twice as fast (Hey, we did it with the G4 and nobody realised!)
Flushing made easy - it's not just your money that goes down the drain!
And available in bright, cheery, day-glo colors! With patented dual-pipe Technology!
The iToilet! Now you too can give the Information Stuporhighway what it so richly deserves - A Swirly!
*********************** END COMMERCIAL ***************************
Meanwhile, in the cloaked Free Merchanter The DSSS Animaniacs, Colonel Mad Jack Kammerer's glittering gaze sweeps across the ranks of the assembled Virtual Commando Kuties.
"All right!" He barks. Several recruits wince. "Everyone geared up?"
"Sir yes Sir!"
"Ahhhhh *snnnnniiiffffff!*... I love the smell of obedience in the morning."
"Ummm... sir?" One recruit looks apologetic. "I think that was the refries you served for breakfast... "
"Ummmm... sit? Why do we need the heavy armament? There's virtualy nothing happening right now."
"Right. It's too quiet. They're up to something. We need a reconnaisannce in farce to recconoiter."
"Ummm... this looks like a raid... sir."
"Exactly. They'll never expect a spying mission disguised as a full blown assualt."
The squad of commando Kuties looks slightly dubious at this display of unnassailable logic.
"Besides. We can use it for cover to rescue our operatives being held captive in the Secret Merchant's Dungeons as Slave Labor in the RMP Emoprium's slimey bowels."
"Welll... no. But it sounds like good propoganda."
Everyone looks even more alarmed. "Ummm... was this mission sacntioned by High Commander Thuregrif, sir?"
Now Mad Jack looks alarmed. "NO! Shhhh! She might hear you!"
"But sir! If it's not sanctioned... ?"
"Never mind that." He glares furtively. "We've got to have some fun in all this lunacy. Besides... we have to get that damned mouse out of Poser Forum... "
Posted: Sun May 15, 2005 7:09 am Post subject: Just my rifle, my pink pony, and me...
And finally, Disreputable Press and Magic Hat Brewing Co. bring to us:
PoseDreck! The Semi-Animated! Episode 6 Part 5: In cyberspace, no one can hear you preen... The multipart Conclusion!
Last time on PoseDreck the Semi-Animated, Our Heroes prepared to assault the RMP Emporioum while elsewher our Zeroes laid complicated plans to foil them as the minions of the Daz deftly insinuate dazbots into the coding to watch the ensuing fray. But will it fray? Or merely unravel at the seams?
Stay with us for the exciting two hour conclusion!
[Note: Actually 1 hour and 15 minutes - this episode has been edited for forum browsing and important scenes containing vital information that might make it at least semi intelligable have been cut to make room for commercial breaks. - Ed.]
*************************************************
Aboard the DSSS Animaniacs, the fearless Commando Cuties of Mad Jack Kammerer prepare to board the RM Emporium...
"I can't go. I broke a nail!"
"Oh... suck it in trooper."
"They told me not to do that during battles. Mad Jack says it's distracting." *pout!*
"That's not what... oh, never mind."
*ahem* "All RIGHT! Form UP!"
As the Killer Commando Cuties line up on the Threadeporter pads waiting for the cheap special effects [Budget Rent-A-Starship] to take hold, the rest of the Free Merchant's Alliances and the Daz begin their preparations:
"Damon Mendacious! The Alliance is attacking!"
"Who? What?" Heads snap around all over the Pherengi Prose station. "Us????"
"Oh. No. They're attacking the RMP Emporium while the RMP Curious Labs is docked there." Looks em,barrased. "Sorry, my Damon."
"Oh. That. Maybe they'll destroy each other and leave us the Premier Profiteering Scum in the CyberVerse!"
Two pherenghi look at each other, whispering... "Why are we suddenly Capitalised?" *shrug* "Must be a plot device."
"Never mind that! Just look at this new outfit Our Dear and Special Friends at the Daz made! Isn't it precioussssss?" *sigh* "I am SO glad we dropped that silly prohibition against pherenghi females wearing clothes..."
*snicker* "So are we... "
"What???"
"Oh nothing.... " *ahem*
Elsewhere....
Deep inside the nerve center of the Free Alliance Interspace Broadcast System:
The DLOH looks up from a back of monitors. "Looks like Mad Jack is attacking."
"I thought they were Sprinklies, dammit!" Dr. Quest replies defensively. "I'll have Race Bannon plant some more. He's disguised as an NVIATWS as our Agent in Place."
Both DLOH and Ferrous Ursine look bemused with a slightly nauseous tinge at that mental image.
Some time passes.
"Ko... we're semi-Live and online. Ready to broadcast."
"Kewl... " *snicker* "This should be fun.*
And, in the Control Room of the Massive Pharr-Point Kube:
"What??? Why do they always pull this crap on Friday and Saturday?" The Pharr of Daz wails. "Don't they know we don't work on weekends?"
"We work here?" Anton of Daz inquires innocently.
"We work here?" 36ofD looks at the Pharr speculatively.
*snicker* Chadly of Daz makes a choking sound into his Rejuvenation Pod.
Stern look. "Stop that Chadly. You sound like Muttley." *ahem* "I work. I do lots of work. I do all kinds of stuff."
All of the Staff Drones assume extraordinarily bland expressions.
"Stop that. After all, who was it that defeated the Evil Docktor Whineberg on the EULA Virus incident? Who was it that allied us with the Messaih?"
"We're allied with the Messiah?"
"Never mind that. I'm on a roll here. Don't bother me with details. Who was it that made that brilliant PR speech that finally diverted the Ferrous Ursine from making fun of us over that Tailor Fiasco... "
*SNICKER* "You mean the one that was translated from BS into English and broadcast on RFI for the next six months?"
*ahem* "THAT was Chadley's announcement that was translated and broadcast before I removed him from PR."
"Of course it was." 36ofD looks at Chadley. "He doesn't listen to broadband often, does he?" Chadley shrugs. "Modem rodent. Broadband chokes his system..."
Scene opens with camera panning across kitchen where foolish human is innocently about to open a can of Cat Cafe! The Catfood made with Real Dolphin! and Dolphin Byproducts!
[Insert sound effect of electric can opener]
Eleven gray heads with pointy ears and whiskers pop up abruptly at other end of house, radar systems tracking...
[Insert sound of thundering catsfeet in hallway]
Cut to camera view of foolish human looking up with expression of horror as speculation that "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea - I should have opted to throw leftover coldcuts into their cage from a distance" dawns slowly...
Cut to view of pair of feet on floor sticking out from under large writhing pile of gray cat fur, empty Cat Cafe can rolling across linoleum.
Fade to black amid snarls of "Watch those damned claws you little wanker... "
Cat Cafe! The Politically Un-correct Tuna Substitute!
Cat Cafe! It's Tuna Safe!
Available only via selected online distribution outlets via Content Parasites.
*camera fades to black as 11 grey felines slowly cover up remains of former pet human... *
Warning: The Sturgeon General's Orifice has determined that Cat Cafe may be detrimental to the health of Pet Humans...
***************** END COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTION *****************
While docked to the RMP Emporium, Captain Cooper [remember him?] awakens dazedly in the med bay of the RMP Curious Labs to the sounds of Red Alert sirens and stubles out of the ship through the Interlok just before it disintegrates and the RMP Curious Labs slowly drifts away from the station...
Commander Choate sits bolt upright. [Unfortunately, no *clang!* ensues as he had Cheif Engineer Fuzz remove the support bulkhead from above his porcelyne command throne last episode] "My gods! What IS goin on down there? Are the Poserites revolting?"
"Always sir!" *pause* "But this time it's the Alliance Attacking!"
*Eeep!* Several crew members around the bridge gasp.
With his customary precision of decisiveness, Cmmander Choate spits out a sock and barks out commands: "All moderators to the Poser Forum! Admins online! This is not a Drill!"
He looks over at Comm. "Alert Docktor Whineberg! He must engage the Interloks!"
"Ummmmmmmm......... "
"Well!?!?!?"
"Ummmmm...... he can't, Sir. They disabled that function and sent it back to the manufacturer."
"Oh great. Timing is everything."
Lt. Cmndr. Spork [recently repromoted] jumps up, "I'm on it sir!"
Straightening his uniform with a small jerk, he prepares to dash off.... however a grim security bot casually lowers his Mk41 Pulse Rifle and incinerates him on the spot.
"My gods! What did you do that for????" A horrified tech exclaims.
"Illegal use of a jerk. He was bad. It had to be done."
Elsewhere... just as the removed support bulkheads above Commander Choate's porcelyn command throne give way collapsing the command dome, a series of nifty sparkly effects materialise in Poser Forum depositing a squad of Kommando Kuties in the corridor jusntion leading to SR233A-Beta Forum...
And... with an unwholesome squishing sound, the entire command dome [or parts there of] collapse through the forum ceiling with a plaintive wail of "Doesn't anything work on this station???" and "You ordered us not to answer that sir!"
Fortunately, there's only one casualty....
"Mad Jack!" A Kommando Kutie cries, ducking rubble.
"Mad Jack? Mad Jack Kammerer?" The dazed Captain Cooper muses as he wanders towards the sounds of destruction. "IS that who I am? Must be.... I've been wondering.
But why am I wearing someone elses uniform?"
Shrugging off minor irrelevancies like that, he bursts into the corridor and, jumping to the remains of the porcelyne command throne [Carefully ignoring the "Ooof!" sound made by the remains of Commander Choate], he strikes a dramatic pose and launches into a soliloqy:
"There once was a man who bred a horse. And even though this horse had no hobbies, it was however pink, and in many ways this horse was loved by everyone in the comunity, a fact which made it popular to film crews from numerous underground porn stations, no doubt. Needless to say, this man had no problems finding stables that would house this fine animal, even though many of the horse magazines looked askance at it's non-thoroughbred conformation and lack of many features that made it incompatable with the majority of stables, and the odd coloration of it. Not to mention the three legs that made the horse very unstable.
Unfortunately, the owner of the stables decided to divest himself of many of his horses, choosing to go solely into web distribution of hobby horses, high horses, and nightmares... so the other many found himself unhorsed.
Needless to say, the first man thought this was a load of horsepuckey, but where ever you find horsepuckey he knew there must be a pony, so he began to jockey to position himself in such a way that the fans of his horse would continue to support him, the horse, and the other co-owners in the style to which they'd like to become accustomed.... "
Eyes glazing over, several onlookers mutter darkly among themselves. "What's he talking about?" as the now inspired Captain Cooper drones on and on sopofically....
"Ummm... no clue. I think he wants us to pony up for something again.... "
"Ah. They must be about to saddle us with a new release... "
"Wow!" Ferrous Ursine exclaims! "Did we get all of that?"
"Yup. Got it."
"Did you take the lens caps off this time?"
*just LOOKS at Ferrous*
"Well.... You're the one who ate all the fly cams." *snicker* "Good thing that no one notices yet another nekkid Vicki running around so Bannon was able to place new bots."
So. Is this The End? Will Captain Mad Jack-Cooper drone on and on until he pus the entire 3D-Verse to sleep? Will rescue teams manage to dig out the real Mad Jack and Comander Choate from beneath the rubble before they suffocate? Will the rescue teams choose to leave Commander Choate down the tielet, er.. Throne? Will The RMP Curious Labs slowly spiral down to crash on the rocky surfaces below? Will Captain Cooper continue to spout horseshit until he too makes the fatal mistake of performing illegal use of small jerk? Will we ever pick up all of the dangling plot threads from the previous episodes?
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